I wish my penis had an off switch
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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