yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
