Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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