so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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