I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
