the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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