your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I will die if light touches me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
