Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
