Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
