he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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