the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
