I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
