hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
