i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
