if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
