I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need a beard to bite.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we're so committed to being not committed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
