i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
