so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize