my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
