I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
