I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
