all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
