I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
