cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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