I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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