There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
