so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
