i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Send help, water and tortillas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
