i was born a porn star she said
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
