The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My ass is underappreciated
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
