cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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