I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
