Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
