Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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