I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
