Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
