I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
