So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
