The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
