True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
