She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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