Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
