my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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