hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
