now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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