also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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