Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
