i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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