It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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