Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
