My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
