My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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