If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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