I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
