she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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