in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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